Friday, April 21, 2017

when you need to live quietly

Summer blazes on, full of cicada song and dandelions. I close my door against it. I could take my lunch and book to the meadow or the beach. I could cycle into town, wander the lovely, tree-lined streets. But although I'm hot, I'd rather just sit in my quiet house and rest from the world. The noise and clutter and beauty of the world.

Some people simply need to exist in a low stimulus environment. I read those words today at Beauty That Moves, and after many decades of living I finally felt allowed to accept myself. I am not boring, lazy, or wrong. I need a low stimulus environment.

It's not just about doing things. A walk on the beach is not too much because of the walking. It's because of the tidesong, and the light floating on water, and all the stories that wash in. It's because every other person walking past trails perfume, energy, wonder, sound. It's because of all the other days spent walking on the beach that layer the air of this one.

And needing quiet is not about wanting to be alone and still. Even the most adventurous, friendly, cheerful heart may be sensitive and easily overwhelmed.

Unfortunately, few people understand. I wonder how many women feel wrong for needing low stimulus? I myself have been judged often for sitting on the sidelines rather than swimming with dolphins or rambling over islands. It's hard to explain how there's such plentitude available even in sitting, staying, witnessing. To get in the water would be too much, and would ruin the experience.

And so I am at home today, and my existence is full.

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